


Seven Years Too Late

by wuyifanism



Category: EXO (Band)
Genre: AU!Teacher, Alternate - High School Teachers, Alternate Universe - Teachers, Chinese Teacher Yixing, First Kiss, Fluff and Angst, M/M, Mathematics Teacher Sehun, Mature for like two or three swear words, Past First Kiss Scene, Past Relationship(s), Slight!Fluff, slight!angst
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-05-06
Updated: 2015-05-06
Packaged: 2018-03-29 06:51:05
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 8,406
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/3886462
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/wuyifanism/pseuds/wuyifanism
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>The first time Yixing saw Oh Sehun was a complete surprise to him. He hadn't seen him in years.</p><p>The second time Yixing saw Oh Sehun was a mere coincidence.</p><p>The third time Yixing saw Oh Sehun, somewhat fazed his nerves a bit.</p><p>The fourth time Yixing saw Oh Sehun, he was determined to confront the other.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Seven Years Too Late

**Author's Note:**

> A 8k Sexing/Layhun oneshot.  
> This is a complete revision of the story I posted nearly two years ago on a different website (at AFF under the username SuperJuniorFanGirl). It isn't any mindblowing story but it's something I've been working diligently on, and I finally finished it up. It took a lot of me, so I hope everyone will be able to enjoy it.
> 
> Thank you and enjoy!
> 
> p.s. if you guys watch the BBC series Sherlock, I put in two phrases from the show so comment if you can spot them. hehe i'm just curious who can catch them c:

The first time Yixing saw Oh Sehun was a complete surprise to him. He hadn't seen him in years.

 

It happened at a teachers convention; mandatory for those who are in the profession of teaching high school students. In the swarm of hundreds of teachers and in the thundering voices he had spotted him from across the room.

 

At first, Yixing thought he was hallucinating but as he stood there longer, watching the young man, it become evident it was Sehun. Oh Sehun from seven years ago.

 

There was still the boyish smile that graced his lips, the wrinkles that were prominent around the eyes when he smiled or laughed, and the ever charming and smooth personality that anybody would like and even swoon for.

 

But something wasn’t right.

 

Yixing remembered Sehun as the boy with flamboyant gestures, wildly using his arms and hands whenever he was excited or simply talking, but there was none of that. His movements felt restricted, as if he was watching himself to not become too passionate about what he was conversing about. And there wasn’t the same mirth that usually gleamed within his irises. It seemed that the years they had been apart a dullness had appeared. It was unsettling.

 

After a few minutes, Yixing decided it was better to leave before any contact was made between them.

 

***

  


The second time Yixing saw Oh Sehun was a mere coincidence.

 

It had only been two weeks since the convention, and yet Yixing spotted him again, but this time in the local grocery store.

 

A smile ghosted over Yixing's lips as he eyed the others contemplation of what type of milk to get. His eyebrows still furrowed the same way they had years ago, the creases in his forehead more prominent than before and his nose slightly scrunched.

 

A chuckle escaped from his lips as he saw Sehun ran a hand through his hair with a loud and frustrated groan. _So, he still gets upset over the simplest things then..._ Yixing thought to himself, his eyes shifted back to stand of oranges in front of him. He picked a few and gently dropped them into the bag.

 

Once he lifted his eyes back up, he spotted Sehun walking out the exit with no jug of milk present in his bag or hand.

  


***

  


The third time Yixing saw Oh Sehun, somewhat fazed his nerves a bit.

 

A month passed since he last saw Sehun in the grocery store, and now he had spotted him in the park nearby the school he works at as a student teacher.

 

 _How cliche,_ Yixing thought. Maybe the universe isn't some sadistic bastard, but actually a hopeless romantic.

 

He noticed the male sat on one of the benches with a bag of chips in his hand. He shoved about three or five into his mouth every time he reached into the bag, flakes of the chips littered over his shirt and mouth but the boy hadn't cared.

 

Yixing pursed his lips in thought as he hid from Sehun's vision behind the towering slide. He stood there for a couple of minutes. He shifted from one foot onto the other, contemplating if he should go and say hi or turn around and walk the long route back to his apartment.

 

Yixing peeked from the behind the slide. The male still sat on the bench as he munched away at this chips. Yixing shoved his hands into the pockets of his jacket, decided that he should go over and greet the other.

 

But as he took a step forward, Oh Sehun had already begun to walk away from his spot. Yixing's shoulders slouched, his determination down the gutter.

 

Apparently the world really is a sadistic bastard.

  


***

  


The fourth time Yixing saw Oh Sehun, he was determined to confront the other.

 

This time he spotted the other lounging in a cafe. Arm propped on the table as his chin rested in the palm of his hand, fingers drummed against the tabletop as he waited for his order.

 

Yixing froze for a second, he hoped the ring of the bell wouldn't alert the other and look towards the door. But his posture relaxed when he realized that when the other had a blank and zoned out expression on his face, it would take more than the frail sound of a bell to pull him out of his trance.

 

He silently thanked the Gods that Sehun was such an unobservant person, because the slightest turn of his head, Sehun would have caught sight of Yixing. As he waited in line, Yixing thought of a plan on how to not make the other uncomfortable when he approached him.

 

He certainly knew that the man would act awkward, along with himself. After not seeing each other for nearly seven years he could only try to lessen the tension.

 

Yixing ordered his usual as the cashier, Zitao he recently learned, gave him his warm smile and slight nod of the head before Yixing stepped out of the line and faced Sehun.

 

Sehun gazed out the window and Yixing only saw the back of his head. After a few minutes, his order was ready. He once again shoved one of his hands into his pockets, took a deep breath to steady himself before he advanced towards Sehun. Each step he struggled to keep a neutral face, nervousness bubbling at the pit of his stomach, his hand clenched the cup tighter and tighter as he got closer.

 

He was almost convinced something would go wrong before he even had the chance to speak and approach the other, but as he dumbly stood at Sehun's side he realized that world truly is a sadistic bastard. He attempted to bring Sehun out of his daze by clearing his throat, obviously not had made a dent, Yixing tried to keep his voice steady.

 

He licked his dry lips, a soft voice emitting from the lips. "Sehun..." The name that tumbled out of his lips sounded so foreign, yet the way it rolled off his tongue was nostalgic.

 

Yixing saw how Sehun's body tensed, fingers had suddenly stopped from drumming against the table. His head turned slowly to fully face Yixing.

 

Sehun's doe eyes widened as he confirmed the familiarity of the soft voice, he sat up more rigid, unsure of how to respond to Yixing.

 

"Um, I know this is rather sudden but...I just thought that I'd say hello...so, hello."

 

Sehun still stared at him in surprise, mouth gaped and hands clenched on the table. Yixing stared at his hands before he continued, "I guess I caught you at a bad time, I'll just leave..." Yixing hastily bowed, as he turned around ready to walk away, but a tumble of frantic words stopped him.

 

"N-No...I'm just...surprised. Really, really surprised. I didn't expect to see you just yet..." The deepened yet soft voice traveled to his ears, the warmth washing over him from not hearing it for so long. "Have a seat." Yixing stood stunned for a second for before he composed himself, and slid into the seat across from Sehun.

 

Heavy silence settled itself over the two individuals. One nervously gulped down his hot coffee, while the other looked around the busy cafe.

 

Yixing silently cursed himself as he didn’t think this plan all the way through. There seemed to be roaring silence between; each party wanting to desperately spill every feeling and moment they had kept to themselves over the years they’ve been apart. Yixing’s mind was in a whirlwind; there was so much to say, so much to _rekindle_. But he couldn’t say anything, he couldn’t voice the turmoil that swept through him. It was too early to bombard Sehun with questions all starting with why, _why leave?_

 

"So you came back." Yixing stated in a soft voice with a slither of realization. Eyes never daring to stray farther than Sehun’s hands.

 

Hands that once reassured him in gentle touches.

 

There was another moment of silence. "Yes..." There was a certain tone to the his voice that Yixing couldn’t place.

 

"When did you come back?"

 

_Guilt?_

 

"About 1 month ago."

 

_No, shame..._

 

He allowed for curiosity to soothe the emotional war within him, eyes gliding over the impeccable dress shirt that hugged Sehun’s upper body. The arms that used enveloped him in crushing hugs, yet riddled with tender love; his neck that offered Yixing comfort and protection as he used to tuck his head in the dip.

 

Yixing hastily shifted his gaze towards the window. It was frightening to him that one glance into Sehun’s eyes he would be completely done for. It’d break down the fragile wall he had painstakingly built around him.

 

Before Yixing could say anything, Sehun spoke up. "I'm sorry."

 

He forced himself to take a sip of his coffee, the taste of the bitter grinds grounding him. He didn’t say anything. His silence was an answer for Sehun to continue.

 

"I'm sorry I left you."

 

If Sehun hadn’t changed since they last saw each other, he knew the younger man was staring at him with eyes that held a silent pleading look. But Yixing couldn’t look his way, not yet.

 

Yixing was gratefully Sehun didn’t urge a response from him. But soon, the mess of chaos shimmered to a low murmur within him and the man found himself speaking.

 

"It's seven years too late for a sorry, Sehun." Yixing's voice held no trace of bitterness, it was rather resignation. Resignation that he had come to terms that Sehun would possibly never return, but here he was. His essence still affecting Yixing as it did many years ago.

 

"It's all I can offer right now, Yi."

 

Yixing closed his eyes at the sound of his nickname Sehun had given him when they first started out as friends.

 

"I appreciate the offer then."

  


***

 

The two men departed with heavy goodbyes, the encounter grating on their nerves weeks after. They hadn’t exchanged phone numbers, nothing of contact information. There was no way for them to see one another again. But Yixing knew if the world held its level of sadism, then they’d met once more.  The evening he had gotten back from the cafe, Yixing settled himself at his desk. It was littered with papers of his students’ work, a few bills poking out from underneath some of it. A reminder he needed to busy himself and begin a tedious night of grading, but he couldn’t bring himself to. The roar was starting up again. It coursed from the bottom of his heels, slithering up his calves, tensing the muscles in his thighs, expanding his ribs with every rough intake of breath, its scathing tendrils gripping his heart so hard a small burst of a choke and sob lift his lips. The palm of his hands pressed against the tears that threatened to escape. He was loosening himself to the inevitable destruction of Oh Sehun. Seeing him from afar was completely different. He could delude himself into thinking he was just another ghost from his past. That his blistering wounds had healed, that Sehun couldn’t slice them open once more, that the last bit of affection he had for him was gone. Dead. But he was terribly wrong. The ache of fondness and bitterness swelled in his chest, squeezing the sobs from his throat, wounds fresh and bleeding with longing. The ghost from his present was more real than it ever was. Oh Sehun was once again, leaving deep impressions in his soul he couldn’t iron away.

  


***

 

The weeks had come and gone. Every once in awhile, Yixing felt the tendrils threatening to capture his heart once more, but it only lasted for a few seconds before the threat subsided. Replaced with it was uncertainty and a throb that settled deep in his bones. When at the grocery store, he occasionally found himself standing in front of the oranges and his gaze turned towards the milk section. Other times, he merely stopped a few feet away from the bench in the park that had held the object of his current predicament. But he hadn’t gone near the coffee shop again. It was easier that way. If Yixing didn’t know any better, he would said he was heartbroken.

 

But he didn’t think anything of it.

 

In times of extreme distress, when nothing could assuage the intensity inside of him, Yixing bundled himself in a thick sweater and scarf and braved through the winds to the Han River. It was late at night when he left his place, around 11 at least. There was the distinct noise of the city life that grew stronger as he made his way through the streets of Seoul, the jubilant street life had never suited Yixing, but he didn’t mind the occasional stroll through the heart of it. It was a Tuesday night but intoxicated young adults were staggering along with their designated drivers, couples were sharing a small treat, and other passbyers simply walked along.

 

A cab ride later, Yixing arrived to his destination. The tinge of moss and the soft sloshing of the water were a welcome feeling to Yixing, for the first time in weeks, the looming feeling in his chest lightened a bit. He tucked his hands into the depths of his sweater, the sound of his soft steps melted with the pelting of water gently hitting the rocks that lined the sidewalk. Yixing took a seat at the edge, only the fluorescent buildings and the illuminated Banpo bridge were his source of light. It was rather odd that this location gave him a feeling of peace, considering it was filled of memories of him and Sehun. It was Sehun that first introduced him to the Han River. He had only been in Korea for about two years, and he was much too focused on university to do any real touristing. And Sehun, being the ambitious and careless soul he was, suggested Yixing and him skip classes one day to have some fun at the Han River. Sehun reasoned nobody would be there since it would in the middle of the week, and they wouldn’t have to deal with the throng of people. At first, Yixing adamantly refused to skip classes, but Sehun had a way with words that would weave their way through and pull him in. At that time, Yixing was smitten with Sehun, so it didn’t take much effort on the younger man’s part to persuade him.

 

He still remembered how Sehun’s eyes gazed at him as if he were the most cherished treasure in his possession. Their hands so delicately intertwined that a small dusting of pink appeared on his cheeks as the other rambled on about facts of the river. It was the first time they held hands, and the feeling of Sehun’s slightly calloused palms against his was a ghost of a touch he could never erase. They returned several times afterwards, the river was a gateway for them to be with one another, away from the glares of strangers.

 

Yixing’s eyes glazed over a bit as he caught sight of where the shared their first kiss.

 

 

It was around this time of night. Yixing had finished an exam that had been wearing him out for the last few weeks and Sehun was feeling particularly daring that night, and suggested the two should sneak away to their spot. _“It would be romantic, Yi. Just you, me, the stars, and the river.”_ He remembered him saying, the same childish smile plastered on his lips and mirth that lightened his eyes. Yixing couldn’t say no. So the two snuck out of their dorm rooms since curfew was at 11:30,  having to stifle their own giggles from the ridiculousness of it before they made it off campus and flagged down a taxi. They found a spot that was a bit secluded enough so they wouldn’t run into the chance of getting caught, and settled down on the sidewalk with Sehun wrapping a thick blanket around both of them. Underneath the warm confinements of the blanket and the soft gleam of the stars, not much was said between the two. But Yixing could recall everything perfectly.

 

  
***

 

 

_Sehun’s arm securely wrapped around his waist as they held against one another, Yixing could feel the beginnings of a blush grace his cheeks. He couldn’t seem to control his embarrassment around Sehun. Every gesture that had a purpose of tenderness made him flush._

 

_“Are you still cold?” Sehun’s voice broke through the stillness of the air._

 

_“No...You’re pretty warm, and the blanket is as well.” He replied with a small smile, hesitating a bit before he leaned closer and laid his head down on Sehun’s shoulder. He could feel the rumble travel through his body from the chuckle, succeeding in making Yixing’s cheeks feel a bit hotter._

 

_Sehun pressed a cheek against the top of Yixing’s head, his voice dropping to a low murmur. “It was all part of my diabolical plan,” A hint of a tease to his tone before Yixing playfully scoffed, but the younger man continued to speak. “I’m surprised you agreed to come though, seeing as you’re even hesitant to come during the day.”_

_“The exam I took had me pretty stressed, so I thought coming here with you would be fun. And...like you said, it would be romantic. I like to...spend my free time with you, it calms me...” Uncertainty was evident in his voice, even if they were Sehun’s own words, Yixing still felt a bit insecure around revealing his true feelings around him. He was still new to idea of being in a relationship._

 

_The silence that ensued only heightened Yiixng’s anxiety a bit, already mentally scolding himself for revealing too much. His small chiding was stopped short when he felt Sehun’s fingers gently lift his chin towards him, and suddenly, the life of the city that surrounded them was quiet, and only the soft breathing and erratic heartbeats were heard. There wasn’t much to illuminate the expression on Sehun’s face but he could he didn’t need the light. There was a riveting tension between, slowly the gap was being closed, fingers clutching the end of the one’s shirt out of anticipation, and soon, their lips had met._

 

_It was innocent, sweet, adoring, gentle, affectionate. There was a soft burst in his chest, and it was as if a gush of warmth had escaped and now slid into every corner of his body. Sehun’s lips were soft as silk sheets, warm as a cup of ginger tea, and adoring as Sehun could ever be towards him._

 

***

 

  
Soon, the memory drained from Yixing’s mind. Gradually coming back to his senses as the wind whipped through his hair and caressed his reddened cheeks. The man sat still for several minutes before a soft, humorless chuckle fell from his lips.

 

“You ruined me.”

 

***

 

One month. It had been one month since the encounter with Sehun at the cafe.

 

Since final exams had been around the corner for the academy he worked for there wasn’t time to let his mind wander, but was instead sucked into the mess of his students fretting over the exam and becoming even more irritable, if that was possible. But, Yixing loved his job nonetheless. As a teaching assistant of Chinese Language in a fairly prominent high school, there were moments where he seriously doubted why he even chose this path for himself. But then he was reminded why by the triumphant smiles of his students who scored well on a quiz, or a sense of relief that graced their features as they requested his help with the material. Or even sometimes, a small snack from some of the girls of his class and thanking him for his hard work, so he was grateful in the end.

 

It was nearing the end of class now, the students had become restless by then, and Yixing made sure to end his lecture on an easy note. In the swarm of the chattering of 20 students, it gave the man time to relax a bit behind his desk. It had been a busy week for him because of the upcoming final exam. Yixing thought it’d do him some good to finally visit the coffee sho--

 

 _Oh_...Could he go back?

 

Yixing almost wanted to laugh at himself for being so ridiculous, but the chance of running into Sehun frightened him to his core. He didn’t know if he could handle seeing Sehun again. It was hard enough to keep a calm facade in front of him, but who knows what would happen if he saw him again. The sound of a student’s voice interrupted the young teacher from his mild panic, eyes immediately glancing over at the familiar voice of Soojung.

 

There was a quizzical look on her face, and Yixing brushed it off by laughing softly. “I’m sorry, Soojung. Did you need anything?”

 

The young girl nodded her head towards the clock, “It’s just that it’s five minutes past our dismissal, but you haven’t excused us yet…”

 

“O-Oh, I was a bit distracted by my own thoughts.” He explained to her, a bit sheepishly before he cleared his throat before he stood from the desk. “You may all go now. Don’t forget the homework and study well!” The students all agreed in a chime of groans and whines, a few of them waving goodbye to Yixing before the classroom was empty. Typically, Yixing would leave instead of the students to go to another class but since it was the last class of the day, there was no point in it.

 

Soon after, Yixing sighed heavily in relief. He stretched his arms in front and above him, hearing the slight pops in his muscles. A stop by the coffee shop didn’t sound too bad now. He began to pack his things with ease, cleaning off his desk and arranging the papers in a neat stack so they could fit in his messenger bag.

 

While packing, Yixing heard a faint knock at the door. “Come in!” He called out, thinking it could be a student or staff member. He heard the slide of the door as he wrestled a few loose papers into his bag, apparently underestimating the amount he had to take home.

 

Yixing huffed to himself, turning to the guest as he didn’t want to appear rude. “Sorry about tha--” The words soon died in his throat, the look of sheer surprise overtaking his features. Yixing straightened his back considerably from the shock, eyes blinking rapidly before he spoke in a small voice.

 

“Sehun.”

 

The said man bowed slightly, the slightest smile tugged at the corner of his lips. He was dressed in a similar outfit when he had last saw him; a white button shirt with a powder blue tie, a pair of slimming black slacks, and a messenger bag that resembled Yixing’s that was slung across his shoulder.

 

“I’m sorry to arrive like this. I know you aren’t one for surprises.” The comment made Yixing’s heart thud in his chest, quickly composing his gaping expression and shook his head.

 

There it was again, the tendrils that loomed over his heart, waiting and watching it for the perfect time to attack. Yixing was quick to avoid the stare of Sehun. There was too much hidden that he could decipher with ease and he was afraid he’d believe it all.

 

“It’s, um, fine. How…” Yixing licked his dry lips from the anxiety, a few dozen questions zipping through his mind before he picked an appropriate one for the situation, “How did you find out I work here?” He returned to fixing his belongings, his actions a bit before hasty than before.

 

From the corner of his eye, he saw Sehun rock slightly on the ball of his heels, Yixing immediately recognizing the gesture as one of embarrassment. “There aren’t many Zhang Yixing’s teaching in Seoul. It was only a few phone calls.”

 

_Bastard…_

 

The word hissed through his mind, managing to bit his bottom lip from saying it out loud. Who does he think he is to just call every school in Seoul and ask for him? Come looking for him? What right did he have showing up unannounced as he left unannounced years ago? He ended up messily folding a few papers and stuffing them inside his bag with a bit more force than intended to, sighing once more as his hands smoothed his shirt. “So, what did you need then?” Yixing could feel the calculated gaze of Sehun boring into him, but he refused to acknowledge the gaze. Instead, he busied himself straightening out the desk some of the students moved from their places.

 

For a few moments, there was the scraping of metal against the floor before Sehun spoke up in a voice that Yixing knew he’d have difficulty to refuse. “We need to talk, Yixing.”

 

A bitter laugh escaped the older man involuntarily, “Oh, now you want to talk? Right now? What makes you think I want to talk to you right now?” There was an edge to his voice, the anger that had been tucked inside of him for so long began to unravel.

 

There was a strain in Sehun’s tone, he was never one to control his temper very much either.“Yes, right now. It’s necessary.”

 

“It was necessary seven years ago, Sehun. There isn’t much use talking it about it now.” Yixing couldn’t do it now/ He could already feel himself shaking slightly from the adrenaline that pumped through him, breathing growing unsteady by the second, and meeting his gaze would only make it worse. It would make him fall apart.

 

“You can’t even look me in the eye. Don’t tell me it’s no use talking about it, because we clearly have unresolved feelings about us.”

 

Yixing felt the fury within uncoil, extending its webs throughout his body and seizing his mind along with it.

 

“Of course I have unresolved feelings for you, Sehun." His voice slicing the air with it’s sharpness. For the first time in seven years, Yixing’s gaze met Sehun’s and the walls crumbled around him.

 

They had the same startling clarity in the; the deep hues of rich earth with speckled spots of hazel that always managed to melt his harshness, and soften him until he was putty. The light that shone through the window only brightened the determination that was evident in his gaze. The same wrinkles from laughing were now embedded from years of lack of sleep and distress, but he still saw the same mirthful filled eyes that he grown to love so many years ago. Dark orbs that were once brimming with adoration towards Yixing, and it nearly knocked the air out of him. The tenderness and love was breaking through the resolute of Sehun’s gaze, reaching out to him in a desperate attempt to make him _understand_ Sehun still loved Yixing.

 

Yixing felt the pricking of tears now, fists clenched at his sides. He hated feeling so weak when all he wanted to do was scream how furious he was with Sehun but he still adored him even if he left him.

 

“You--” Yixing’s voice was trembling from the risk of an impending bawl. “You just _fucking left_. You left me. You left _us_ , Sehun! Do you not understand why I can’t look you in the eye? Because even though you left I still have feelings for you. I still want to be with you even after all these years, but I can’t trust you anymore. I think I’m crazy and an idiot for wanting you back because I know once I look you in the eye, and see you, I can’t hold myself back…”

 

There are tears rolling down his cheeks. There were tumors of pure distraught and misery in his voice, but no matter how pathetic he sounded, he needed for Sehun to know this. To know he can’t trust him or himself at this point, there was too much that was unsettled between them.

 

The two men stood there in the classroom, staring at one another. Yixing attempting to calm himself while the tears flowed freely down his face, and Sehun merely having deep shame in his gaze.

 

“Please, Yi…”

 

“Don’t call me that. You don’t have the right of calling me that anymore.”

 

It was just too much…

 

Pain and shame, it was written in frown lines that creased Sehun’s forehead and how his eyes became glosser. “Yixing...I want to talk. To explain, properly. I wanted to tell you, believe me, it _killed me_ to leave you. You know much I care and love you, but I fucked this up for both of us…” Sehun took a few cautious steps toward Yixing, “Can we go to the cafe to talk…? Or anywhere…”

 

Yixing’s lips were pressed in a thin line, considering if he could even talk about the situation without having the urge to scream and cry simultaneously. But he only took a deep breath, fingers brushing away the stray tears as he walked back to his desk and hoisted his bag onto his shoulder.

 

“I have somewhere in mind…”

  


***

 

After the small, and rather embarrassing, outburst from Yixing’s part, there was silence between the two men once again as they headed in the direction of the river. It only felt appropriate for Yixing; the river held precious memories and tender whispers for both of them. It was their little place to talk if it was needed, and it had a way to calm the uneasiness in him that he desperately needed at this point.

 

The cab ride was much more awkward, both staying as close to their respective sides as possible. Neither daring to speak, but opting to assemble their thoughts. Although, Yixing had no idea, whatsoever, how to do that exactly.

 

He hadn’t been expecting Sehun’s visit, automatically throwing him off track and veering him towards an emotional reaction. Even in the two months, since he first saw Sehun, he couldn’t arrange a single coherent thought about the man. About them. About the tearing inside that was threatening to end him. Seven years worth of jumbled thoughts beginning to surface, it was bound to be a chaotic mess.

 

Soon, Yixing heard the familiar rush of gentle water and the light chatter of those scattered along the river. There wasn’t much of a crowd today, there would be no interruption for their conversation.

 

Wordlessly, Yixing handed the driver a few bills and exited the cab. He breathed in a lung full of slightly salted air, the smell managing to calm the frazzle of his nerves.

 

“I didn’t think you’d choose this place…”

 

Yixing glanced at Sehun, the man’s hands tucked into the pockets of his trousers, staring straight ahead with the same nostalgic look that Yixing could only guess was about the clutter of memories that remained here.

 

“It felt appropriate,” Yixing pulled his messenger bag closer to himself, as if shielding himself. “Or did you pref--”

 

“No,” Sehun abruptly spoke with a shake of his head. “I’ve missed it.” With hesitance, he gazed back, meeting Yixing’s eyes for the second time that day..

 

Yixing pursed his lips, holding the other’s stare before he looked away. The thundering of his heart so loud it echoed in his ears. This wasn’t good.

 

“Let’s find some place to sit.” Obviously, both knew it was the spot they had claimed as theirs years ago.

 

There was at least a two feet gap between them once they settled in their spot, Yixing clutching his bag and Sehun staring intently at the tips of his shoes. Yixing didn’t dare start, he reasoned that Sehun was the one saying they needed to talk; therefore, he was the one that was supposed to initiate the conversation.

 

Minutes passed. The slosh of water being the only thing that filled in the white noise, but soon, Sehun’s voice melted through the sound.

 

“Do you think we’ll be okay?”

 

Yixing almost laughed from the question. It was such a ridiculous thing to ask.

 

“Is that why you asked me to talk?”

 

“No…” Yixing heard the rustling of cloth and then the crinkling of paper. “But because of this.”

 

He was handed a tattered envelope, a few blotches on the front from years of being carried and folded. Yixing stared in confusion at the envelope, slowly reaching for it before he took it from Sehun. “For a letter?”

 

Sehun nodded his head, his hands replacing themselves into his lips and interlocking them a steel grip. “It has everything of why I left. It’s up to you to read it or simply ignore it, but I poured my entire being into that letter, Yixing.”

 

The older man stared blankly at the envelope settled in his hands, suddenly becoming much heavier than before. Yixing could only hope it held all the answers to his questions, there was a glimmer of hope that the never ending turmoil inside of him would finally subside.

 

“Why are you just giving me this now? You could have mailed it. Could have saved me years of confusion…” _And pain._

 

Sehun winced slightly from the implied statement, “I wrote several drafts over the years. I couldn’t find the words to express my decision of leaving, or really everything that drove me to my decision. I still can’t, but this letter was the best I could do.”

 

There it was again. The growing but incessant tendrils that were always shadowing him. It felt as if his whole world was to be turned upside by this letter, he didn’t if he could face it.

 

“What if I don’t read it?” It was meant to sound as a threat, but instead was a meek reply.

 

He could see Sehun shrug in a nonchalant way. “Then years of writing would have gone to waste.”

 

Yixing sighed softly, folding the letter and gently placing it inside of his bag. “It isn’t some sort of mind blowing explanation that you’re expecting for me run back to you for, is it?”

 

Sehun snorted slightly, the tense atmosphere dissipating a bit between them. “It isn’t mind blowing...but nothing wrong in hoping for the second part.”

 

Yixing’s gaze shot back to Sehun in a second of surprise, finding the glimmer of hope in the orbs of the younger man.

 

“You know I can’t...I can’t...After all...” Yixing’s breath was caught in his throat, the words were jumbled in his mind.

 

“It’s okay, Yixing. It’s all okay.” Sehun’s eyes transitioned into delicate reassurance, the same gaze Yixing had burned into the back of his eyelids from countless similar situations of words failing the older man.

 

He could only nod.

 

***

 

18.01.2014

 

_Yixing,_

 

_It’s taken me close to six years to write this letter. Countless of drafts and I still have yet to find the words to properly express my sudden departure. But, I hope you’ll at least understand why I left if it’s all I can ask of you. But there is something I want you to know straight away._

 

_I love you. I always have. There will never be a second, minute, hour, day, week, month, year, where I will not love you. Maybe after all these years you won’t feel the same, why would you? But I’ve always been unashamed of my selfishness about my adoration towards you, and I hope you’ll only ever love me but the chance is so slim. I’ll hope for the best._

 

_Do you remember our first meeting? God, you were the most adorable person I had laid my eyes on before. You were so embarrassed because of your accent when I thought it was charming. I’m sure it’s gotten better since you always used to practice saying phrases to get rid of the accent. Our first meeting wasn’t ideal of course. Me teasing you about your accent like the freshmen idiot I was, and you taking it with a stutter and blush unlike any other junior there. But you were so timid, soft spoken of your opinions. Even then, you tried to give me a smart assed comment and all I could focus on was your expression. I think that’s when the first stirrings in my heart began. Mysterious, isn’t?_

 

_Then we got stuck in a chemistry class together, and you made the three hour lectures a bit more bearable. We were forced to sit together by Minseok and Yifan hyung, each respectively being our mutual friends. When they were giggling to themselves like lunatics, you were diligently working on your notes with such furious speed that your writing were combinations of Chinese and Korean I couldn’t even decipher. I think till this day, your reaction was one of happiest I’ve seen when I offered you my notes to reference. It was an expression I grew to love._

 

_I’m rambling, aren’t I? Well you know I’ve always been an awful writer. I’m still scared to write down the purpose of this letter because then I know I’ll demolish any bit of feeling you have left for me. If any._

 

_I’ve always been a bit guarded about my most private feelings, after meeting you and falling in love, I had gotten better in expressing my emotions towards you. Even then, I could tell you sometimes became frustrated with me, but you never said anything about it and let me be. For that, you are something truly amazing and precious. I was immature; I was barely a sophomore and you a senior when we began to officially date. I felt inadequate. You had a clear future in your mind, you knew from the start you wanted to become a teacher. I was barely deciding what the hell to eat for dinner the following day. We were like that for one year. Madly and devotedly in love with one another; yet, there was a rift. I think one of your first fights was about that. Me being so immature, I mean. I don’t think I had ever seen you so mad; you were screaming about how I needed to decide a future for myself and I was hurdling hurtful comments at you for being such a rigid ass about it. I remembered we didn’t talk for a week straight before I came back crawling towards you in a wallow of sadness. How pathetic was I? But I didn’t care, and I still don’t. I love you, and I thought you were right._

 

_I think that’s the core of why I left. I felt inadequate, and I selfishly (as usual) thought even if I were to leave to figure out what the hell to do with myself, that you’d still love me. My initial plan was to be gone only a year and in touch with you three times a week. But it didn’t happen, somewhere along the way I thought you’d be better off without me. I didn’t think about the pain I would cause you. It infuriates me to think I wasted six years without you._

 

_Do you know what today is? It would have been our fifth anniversary, and nearly my sixth year leaving you. I’ve been an idiot, haven’t I?_

 

_I’m positive you’ve made it to your ultimate dream of being a Chinese Language instructor, there’s no doubt about it. Did you forget about me? I hope not, no matter how many times I thought to myself it would be better if you did. Don’t. Remember me. I’ll be back one day. It’s selfish of me, incredibly so, but you know Oh Sehun better than anyone Zhang Yixing._

 

_I’ll see you soon,_

_Oh Sehun_

 

***

 

Yixing read the letter with a stoic expression. Every nerve and fiber within ached and screamed for him to react, to ripe the letter to shreds and banish Sehun from his heart and mind, to find him wherever he was and curse at him.

 

But he couldn’t. No matter how long he stared at the piece of paper that was nearly being crushed in his hands, he did nothing.

 

In all honestly, Sehun was an idiot. He left because he felt inadequate? Yixing wanted to travel back seven years and smack the living shit of Sehun for thinking something so ridiculous and childish, he was anything but inadequate. Sehun was someone that was marvelous and wonderlous to him, someone who was so rare with his incredibly nonchalant attitude and slick ways, someone who managed to shake Yixing from his conformities and made him experience something so strong he had never felt before.

 

Yixing’s eyes traveled to the date that was scrawled in the right hand corner, the date of their anniversary. That time of month had always been harder for him to handle, it reminded him of the one year the two were practically inseparable and in their honeymoon phase as others described it. It was only about a month later did Sehun leave, making it officially seven years now.

 

And in the same Feburary month he left, he had returned. Yes, the world was quite sadistic after all.

 

Yixing sat on his couch for nearly an hour, simply staring at the letter with a blank look. What was he supposed to gain from this information? Was he supposed to run back to Sehun and forgive him? Or maybe he was supposed to trash the letter and completely cut Sehun from his life?

 

The tendrils began to seize him once more. It’s deceiving movements mimicking one of comfort as it slid over his body and muscles, but suddenly gripped him with such force and panic ensued within him.

 

Yixing needed to see Sehun. Right now.

 

Before he knew it, the man had launched himself from the couch and nearly tumbled outside into the hall of his apartment complex. His eyes immediately looking two doors down to where the grandmother he knew lived, there he found what he needed. Yixing quickly headed towards the door and snatched the phonebook that was propped against the door, the latest edition as well.

 

Once back inside, he searched for Sehun’s surname. Evidently, Oh wasn’t such a common surname and found there about 50 in a 20 mile radius of him. He immediately began to call the phone numbers.

 

Yixing hung up every time it was an indistinguishable voice, and promptly moved onto the next caller. Nearly thirty minutes later and down to number 42, he hadn’t expected the voice machine and it suddenly brought him back to the reality of what exactly he was doing.

 

It was Sehun’s voicemail. The slightly distorted voice drifted into his ears but the same deep, warmth his voice held was there. It shook him to his core when the message was interrupted mid way and the younger man answered instead.

 

Yixing was dumbfounded for seconds. Only silence heard and soft breathing before Sehun quizzically said hello once more. Yixing immediately hung up. For a few minutes he couldn’t breathe very well, his hands grew a bit clammy, and he could feel the knot his throat swell.

 

He needed to get out.

 

Yixing ripped the paper from the book and headed towards his room to dress properly once more. He had no idea what he was going to do, but it was the only thing he could think of at the moment.

 

It seemed he was in a constant blur from catching a cab, reading the address from off the torn piece of paper, and abruptly finding himself in front of a quaint cottage-styled home. It radiated of Sehun’s touch.

 

Yixing had no speech prepared whatsoever. He only came with the letter that was now safely tucked into the pocket of his jacket. His feet moved without his own accord, the tendrils stretching himself to grip his chest once more to strengthen his turmoil as he approached the door. It only took a few more minutes before he knocked softly.

 

Seconds later, he heard light footsteps.

 

His blood pounded through his veins and made him slightly dizzy.

 

The aching in his chest intensified as he heard the latch of the door unlock.

 

And his breath was stolen away from him once he saw the eyes he had come to adore.

 

Neither of them spoke. Sehun stunned to a silence and Yixing frightened to a silence.

 

Sehun was the first one to speak.

 

“Y-Yixing? Wha...What are you doing here?”

 

What was he doing here exactly? Yixing’s lips were pressed into a thin line, hands clenched by his sides, and cheeks bright from the whip of the wind against them.

 

It was a moment of clarity for him as he gazed into Sehun’s eyes, they didn’t hold the usual shield that was tinged with doubt, fear, happiness, all wrapped in one. There was subtleness to them that nearly had him in awe; in the dark orbs that held such openness and fragileness, the tendrils that were meticulously wrapped around his heart only tightened their hold around him.

 

He knew in that moment.

 

“You are the biggest, most selfish, arrogant, infantile, insufferable idiot I know. You are inadequate in so many ways that your charming personality cannot account for. You can only ever think of yourself when you’re truly frightened, it’s instinct for you. Even then you think you’re the smartest person in the room, you’ll out live God himself if it means you’ll have the last word. And when you don’t have the last word, you ignore your defeat and only justify it with unfathomable reasons. Sometimes the things you say make me doubt how the hell you even made so far in this lifetime. You’re manners aren’t the very best. You make the most inappropriate jokes at the worst time. You used to think I was fragile back then that you’d always treat as if I was a child. You, Oh Sehun, can quite be the most inadequate person…”

 

Yixing watched Sehun’s expression morph through various emotions, but he ignored it all because by the end of the small speech, there was a flutter of the corner of his lips that resembled the tiniest smile. There was no stopping the tendrils that thrived from his new found surge.

 

“To anyone else, you’re inadequate, Sehun. But to me, you are far more than that. It doesn’t matter to me because you’re the most biggest, most selfless, humble, childish, and adoring idiot I know. In the short year I had known you, you had all the love to give to me. I was smitten with you the moment you showed off that goofy smile of yours, the moment you threw an arm around my shoulder to shield me from the cold, and the moment you offered to tutor me in chemistry when I was so horrible at it. I was falling in those moments you held my hand with so much tenderness, the moments where you only listened to me rant about exams and gave smart assed comments but nothing more, and the moments you swept me away from reality to escape to the river. But I fell in the depths of what makes you Oh Sehun from the moment you looked at me with so much affection and adoration, like I was someone who was so invaluable.”

 

Yixing’s expression was fully of honesty and purity, pouring every ounce of his emotions that had clouded him for the past seven years. He needed for Sehun to now.

 

“Sehun...You are far more inadequate. You are just...radiant.”

 

Yixing felt as if he had just ran a marathon from the high that rushed through his veins and illuminated his eyes with such ferocity of his fondness towards Sehun.

 

His love towards him.

 

Sehun stood with an unreadable expression, but his eyes were gateways that Yixing could read with only a few seconds. He could see the wetness that gathered at the corners of his eyes, the twitching of his lips but they refused to move anymore. But it was everything Yixing needed to know Sehun had gotten the message.

 

Yixing loves Sehun.

 

Even if he wasn’t ready to throw himself into a relationship with him or even promise him a steady friendship, there was no doubt Yixing loved Sehun just as much as Sehun loved Yixing. Loved him with everything he could pour out of himself and present to Sehun.

 

It was minutes before the younger man regained his composure, glancing away as he blinked a few times before speaking once more. There was a new tone to his voice…

 

Content.

 

“To ever think a shy, soft spoken Yixing could say such profound, unreliable statements…” Yixing hadn’t heard the teasing edge in Sehun’s voice in so long it was nearly foreign to him, but he had missed it incredibly nonetheless.

 

“At least I didn’t scream at you this time.”

 

Sehun hummed softly, eyes returning to hold the gaze of Yixing. Unspoken feelings of his tender love evident in the depths. “You’re right...Come inside, your cheeks are as red as if you were blushing.”

 

Yixing’s eyes widened a bit, pursing his lips before he shook his head a bit reluctantly. “No, it’s alright. It’s getting late and I did come rather unannounced, you should be resting by now.”

 

“Yixing, it’s barely nine and I am only twenty five-years-old. I’m not an old man just yet.”

 

The corner of his mouth lifted a bit from the witty comment. “Are you saying I’m an old man when I’m only three years older than you?”

 

Sehun shrugged with nonchalance, leaning against the doorway a bit. The intensity of the tendrils he had left earlier soon melted away into a pleasant warmth that resonated deep in his chest. “Well, you did always act a bit of an old man even when we were younger. You have the soul of one, that's for sure.”

 

Yixing laughed for what seemed like the first time in years, and the chime of Sehun’s mixed with his he practically hummed from the refreshing sound. “I take no offense to that. I’ve learned to embrace it.”

 

The two men stood in comfortable silence, each looking back at one another as they felt the tension that had built between them slither into the night to maybe never return.

 

“Do you think we’ll be okay, Yixing?”

 

“...I think we’ll be okay, Sehun.”

  


***

**Author's Note:**

> This is a complete revision of the story I posted nearly two years ago on a different website. It isn't any mindblowing story but it's something I've been working diligently on, and I finally finished it up. It took a lot of me, so I hope everyone will be able to enjoy it.
> 
> Thank you and enjoy!
> 
> p.s. if you guys watch the BBC series Sherlock, I put in two phrases from the show so comment if you can spot them. hehe i'm just curious who can catch them c:


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